The DumbClan Saga, Book 1: The Journey
by TimeSpaceInfinity
Summary: Far away from the Clans that we know, the characters we are familiar with (and any sanity), is a new, different Clan, with new and different ways and warriors. Follow a pawful of this Dumb cast as they journey to a place that the boring ol' "four Clans by the lake" could never have dreamed of going- Mars!
1. Allegiances

**DumbClan:**

Stupidstar—a tom that has -6 lives left

Hardhead—a deputy-like tom with a soft, squishy head and face

Herbherb—a medicine-catty she-cat who loves mallow and hoards it

Cakenom—a tom cat who looks like a cat

Potatoshine—a fat potatoey tom

Meowcat—a tom who has a prophecy about spiky things coming to invade and destroy StoopidClan

Meowcat's Orange Tarbosaurus—Meowcat's mate, a bright orange Tarbosaurus

Donutbagel—a tom who really likes donuts and bagels and can turn anything into a donut or bagel

Starhope—a really small, weak, blind, tiny, crippled mute she-cat with a star marking and powers; was sent by DummyClan and is perfect and beautiful

Normalcat—an insane, multi-coloured, neon, winged, spontaneously and randomly shape-shifting, loud tom

Seeableinvisibility—an invisible she-cat that everyone can see

Jayfeathertail —a tom that looks like whatever the closest cat is thinking about, is usually nothing

Notactuallyleaderstar—a she-cat who isn't really leader

I'macat—a caribou that everyone thinks is a cat

Verylargesize—a she-cat about the size of a squirrel and is very large

Unicornhappiness—a she-cat with a golden sparkly unicorn horn

Itfur—a cat

Explosionboom—a tom who is nitrokinetic, which means he can explode whenever he wants and recover instantly

Failtail- a white tom with black stripes whose tail has a mind and voice of its own

Tailfail- Failtail's tail

Horsedog—a rat that thinks he is a cat, but who everyone else thinks is a guinea pig

Fancymoustache—a young well-groomed warrior who is cursed to always have to wear a tuxedo, bowtie, top hat and monocle and never be able to take it off, and also to have a moustache

Followthecodepaw—a she-cat who is very strict about the Stoopid code and will smack you over the head with a wooden spoon, or if you go far, cover you with fluffy bunnies if you break the Stoopid code

Iwillkilleverypaw—an evil she-cat whose plan is to kill all butterflies to make the Clan sad

Butterspaw—a butterfly happiness tom

Piepaw—a she-cat who really loves pie and gains the power to make grass float and spin out of control if she eats something that tastes like pie

Pawpaw—a tom who is a main character in the story as well as a tom

Powerpaw—a Gary-stu tom with lots of powers and stuff

Toastface- a she-cat with a piece of toast around her neck who looks exactly like the cat on the cover image (mother of Explosionboom's kits, Leaderkit, Marysuekit, StoopidClankit and Psychokit)

Miss Fluffy Mittens- a fluffy she-cat with a bow around her neck (mother of Donutbagel's kits, Minecraftobsessionkit, Thekit and Deadkit)

Leaderkit—a tom who thinks he is leader

Marysuekit—a she-cat who is mean, rude and bites cats

StoopidClankit—a kit

Psychokit—a kit who is really insane

Minecraftobessionkit—a green she-kit who always carries a pickaxe and knows she is obsessed with some computer game but can't figure it out

Thekit—a tom

Deadkit—a dead tom

Reallyold—a relatively young elder she-cat whose name was Reallyold since she became a warrior

Herpderp—an incredibly old derpy she-cat who is actually secretly -14.467 years old

Leafpelt- a brown tabby tom with yellow eyes

**Living Organisms and Things Outside the Clan**

Spiky things—a group of vicious plush toys

Rock

Another rock

Log

Bush

Leaf

Clouds

Stone

Tree

Pebble

Volcano

Banana

Electric fence

Carrot

Lamborghini Sesto Elemento

Small jet fighter

Convenient TARDIS

Many poles

Very tall blade of grass

Giant pumpkin

Many laptops, TVs, and other technology cats shouldn't have but do anyways

A lot of numbats

A friendly dolphin who dies in the prologue

The Killer Bunny from Monty Python and the Holy Grail

So many pies

A plastic credit card that is not in this story

The author/narrator/interrupter **(AN: I DO NOT INTERRUPT!)**

One disclaimer for each chapter that says, _**"I (TimeSpaceInfinity) do not own Warriors, Erin Hunter has all copyright to it."**_

A crater

A flag

A brick

Mars bars

Curiosity the Mars rover

Some people at NASA  
Halley's Comet

The Sun

Mars

The Moon

A pickle


	2. Prologue

**I (TimeSpaceInfinity) do not own Warriors, Erin Hunter has all copyright to it.**

Paws made a soft sound on the forest floor, crinkling the leaves beneath them; claws flexed, piercing the mud beneath them briefly before withdrawing. Muscles tensed, readying to launch a small, lean, agile body forward. A low growl emanated from the direction of two piercing yellow eyes. Fur bristled. A cat was ready to fight.

His haunches coiled like two springs, then released; he shot forward, out of his hiding place behind a bush. Forelimbs outstretched, paws forward, the tom unsheathed his claws, his narrow eyes fixed on his target, the wind whipping his fur; the enemy would never know what had hit it.

Somewhere very far away, a friendly dolphin died.

The tom landed an inch away from his target; he crouched, his fur bristling along his spine and his teeth bared in a snarl. Beside him, a light thud made one ear twitch sideways; the sound heralded the arrival of his loyal deputy, following him into battle. Both cats crouched; they had no backup yet, but they wouldn't need it. The enemy was cunning, but cunning enough to defeat these two powerful idiots.

The rock sat there, like a rock.

"He barely even noticed our special ninja attack," Hardhead complained, trying not to complain in case the rock thought he was being rude and he embarrassed his leader.

"Yes, he did," Stupidstar growled, looking at the rock through slitted eyes. "He's just playing dead."

The rock continued to sit there.

"No more mercy," Stupidstar said, threatening it. "Get off our territory!"

The rock refused to budge. It was stubborn like that.

Stupidstar yowled in fury and unleashed his special secret attack of pawing gently at the rock. Hardhead gasped in wonder. Stupidstar only reserved his special move for the most special of battles, and few warriors witnessed it. It was a huge honor to see Stupidstar's fighting skill at its best.

However, it was in vain, as the rock merely shifted to the side. "It's okay," Stupidstar called to his deputy, who was standing uselessly off to one side. "He's backing down. I've weakened him." Suddenly, the rock jolted sideways, hitting Stupidstar's paw and stubbing his toe. "OWWWCH!" cried the noble leader. He danced sideways, trying to lick his paw as he skipped, and stepped on a Lego. He fell to his side, twitched once, and stopped breathing.

"NOOO!" Hardhead screeched, leaping forward; he pawed the Lego sideways. "You stepped on my Lego, you bully."

Suddenly, Herbherb appeared from thin air. "It's okay, Hardhead," she meowed soothingly. "The Lego will be just fine. Stupidstar is just losing a life." Herbherb looked directly out of your computer screen, staring into your eyes. "That's probably going to happen a lot in this story. I mean, cats randomly explode. It's a dangerous world. Prepare yourselves." Her voice dropped about five octaves on the last two words and her eyes turned red, then she was done breaking the fourth wall and she returned to tending her leader.

The author shifted tenses for this bit, because… well, no reason. Hardhead turns away from Stupidstar and his Lego, eyes burning with fury, and jumps at the rock, sailing through the air with all of his warrior training to avenge them. He screeches his battle cry: "YAAA BATTLE CRY!" As he paws viciously at the rock, without the finesse of his leader but with more vigour, a new attack came to mind: he bent down curiously, wondering if it would work, and sank his teeth into the rock. He watched in curiosity as his teeth fell out.

Meanwhile, in StarClan, a bunch of shapeless blobs that kinda looked like cats stared down at Stupidstar, who was busy staring in rapture at his paw.

"Stupidstar," one of them intoned. "We bring a vital message for you."

Stupidstar looked up at them in wonder. "There's a spot on my paw that I've never seen before."

"Stupidstar," they whispered. "You're stupid." They then went on: "Stupidstar, this message is of utmost importance."

"I understand," Stupidstar meowed, not quite understanding.

"There will be a bunch of cats who will go where no cats have gone before," they declared. "Just sayin'. Catvalania will rise; it is the destiny of some cats."

Then, prophecy delivered, StarClan faded from view, leaving Stupidstar to recover from the loss of his fifteen life. He wondered briefly what Catvalania could possibly be; he decided that he must have heard StarClan wrong. They probably said "cat whaleys." Or "cauliflower bowling." Something normal like that.


	3. Chapter 1

**I (TimeSpaceInfinity) do not own Warriors, Erin Hunter has all copyright to it.**

Pawpaw spotted a piece of prey wandering beneath the trees at the edge of camp, and he skipped over to grab it in his mouth and nom it up. However, there was a problem: the piece of prey was a squirrel that was actually Fancymoustache. Pawpaw could tell because it was wearing a tophat and had a fancy moustache.

"Don't eat meh," Fancymoustache the squirrel said. "I'm practicing squirreling and I need to concentrate!" He ran into an orange because he was concentrating on his nose instead of walking. "Gah! Stupid fruits!" The squirrel pawed at the orange.

"You're a squirrel," Pawpaw told him uncertainly. "And I'm a cat."

"True that," Fancymoustache said distinterestedly, trying to wrap his squirrely jaws around the orange. "Freaking pancake."

"So therefore," Pawpaw finished, "I shall now eat you."

"Okay," agreed Fancymoustache, nomming up the pancake quickly for the road.

Pawpaw swallowed Fancymoustache and turned back to the camp happily before Fancymoustache died all over his ribcage. Suddenly, Pawpaw began freaking out, and raced to the side of the camp, his paws moving like lightning as he found a good-sized tree and proceeded to eat it to clean out his ribcage. He took a deep breath as Fancymoustache, in cat form, poofed into existence next to the young tom.

"That was fun," Fancymoustache commented.

"Most enjoyable," Pawpaw agreed, spitting out the rest of the tree as he no longer had to finish the whole thing.

"PAWPAW!" Itfur suddenly marched over to the two cats, and Fancymoustache, in his panic, stuck his head into a nearby anthill. "YOU FINISH THAT TREE THIS INSTANT!"

"Shut up, Itfur," Pawpaw snarled. "You're not my mother." He swallowed hard. "My mother was eaten by a moth several years ago, before I was born," he wailed, flopping over and rolling around on the ground with the theme song from_ How I Never Met My Mother_ stuck in his brain.

"No, she wasn't," Fancymoustache replied, his voice somewhat muffled by the anthill.

Pawpaw froze in place. "Dwhat?"

"I dunno, man, I just want some drama in this place," Fancymoustache replied, crushing an ant with his tongue.

"That looks fun," Itfur remarked; she wandered off to find an ant and crush it.

"Thanks for getting rid of her," Pawpaw thanked.

"Don't mention it," Fancymoustache replied graciously, yanking his head out of the anthill. He leaned close to Pawpaw and narrowed his eyes, making the apprentice back up several steps. "Ever," he hissed menacingly.

Pawpaw shrugged, then skedaddled away. Fancymoustache smiled like a beetle and scuttled after him. Happily, Pawpaw conjured a refrigerator out of thin air and packed Fancymoustache inside it. The other cat struggled, but Pawpaw whispered, "Hush now child" and he stopped, relaxing. Pawpaw then threw the fridge off a cliff, expecting it to appear back beside him within a second, which it did.

"Good fridge," Pawpaw mewed, opening it; inside was a very small bird.

Meanwhile, Fancymoustache hit the ground after falling from the cliff inside the fridge. He looked up and instantly saw a nice jug of apple juice, which he promptly drank all of and ate the carton. "Good drink," he sighed. Pawpaw then snapped his claws and Fancymoustache appeared at the top of the tree.

Suddenly, Pawpaw's life caught up with him. Notactuallyleaderstar walked up and said in a ditzy voice, "Training."

Footpaw, a beautiful she, came to his rescue. She smacked Notactuallyleaderstar and yowled, "He ain't trainin' today son!"

Notactuallyleaderstar looked affronted; she whipped around to face the opposite direction of Footpaw. "He needs to train or he won't make the varsity team," she huffed furiously. "Is that what you want? He needs to realize his dream."

"That's not my dream," Pawpaw offered.

"It's his dream," Notactuallyleaderstar assured them.

Footpaw tipped her head to the side. "Huh. Well. In that case..." She turned to face Pawpaw. "You must follow your dreams," she purred.

"I don't want to, that's not my dream!" Pawpaw exclaimed in a panic. "Look –" he grabbed Notactuallyleaderstar's shoulders. "Coach, I did my best. I like the game. But it's not my dream," he explained. "I don't have what it takes."

Notactuallyleaderstar looked confused. "Game?" She chuckled like a jungle gym. "Not a game, silly. Mathematics!" Numbers began to flow through the air like it was the Matrix or something, and understanding dawned in Pawpaw's eyes.

"It's all clear to me now," he murmured. "Mathematics… is my dream!"

"No," Footpaw meowed. "Mathematics… is your life!"

Elation filled Pawpaw, and the group was showing all the signs of breaking into a joyful song about mathematics and Pawpaw finally discovering his life when suddenly Leafpelt wandered over to the group. He paused, flicking his tail in annoyance. "Stop," he insisted sharply. "What kind of nonsense is this? You're mousebrains, all of you. What even is – " he hesitated with the word – "math-e-matics?"

"My life," Pawpaw replied.

Leafpelt hissed at the group of cats. "All of you, mousebrains," he growled. "The Clans have never stooped so low."

"We stoopeded pretty low," Footpaw commented to Pawpaw, and both of them smirked.

Leafpelt wandered away, grumbling something about mousebrains and how dumb DumbClan was. The rest of them watched him before Notactuallyleaderstar piped up. "Were we about to sing?" she asked.

Pawpaw and Footpaw nodded their heads rhythmically, and then broke into song. It went like this:

_ Mathematics, hey! _

_It's Pawpaw's way!_

_The secret to his life_

_Mathematics, hey!_

_It's Pawpaw's way!_

_Let's all step in time_

_Mathematics is the way to go, _

_Mathematics is what you know, _

_Add and subtract, multiply and divide, _

_What a spectacular mathematical ride! _

_Mathematics, hey! _

_It's Pawpaw's way! _

_When stuff gets harder, smile even more_

_ We all know the easy stuff is a bore_

_ Calculus is the greatest escape_

_ It can whip your squishy brain right into shape!_

_ Integrals, differentiation – it's all good fun_

_ What is the limit? Hey! There is none! _

_Mathematics, hey! _

_It's Pawpaw's way! _

_It's Pawwwwpawwwww's waaaaaaaaaay! _

On the last lines, Footpaw leaned her head back and howled like a terrible opera singer, while Pawpaw slid forward under the banner of mathematical symbols that had suddenly sprung up from the ground. When they were done, the band in the corner played them out, and they all grinned at each other. Notactuallyleaderstar's tongue hung slightly out of the corner of her mouth.

"Job well done," Pawpaw commented. "Mathematics are my way."

"What a lovely song," Notactuallyleaderstar meowed. "Great work, gang." She swished her tail and jigged away, dancing to the song, which was now stuck in her head.

After a minute, Thekit walked up to them with an iPhone. He then tapped on the iTunes store and placed it reverently on the ground in front of Pawpaw and Footpaw before backing away and vanishing into thin air.

The apprentices exchanged a glance before peering at the phone. On it, a screen was displayed that showed their new hit single, "Pawpaw's Way (Mathematics)," which had skyrocketed to the number one spot in the hit singles list.

"Sweet," Footpaw said. "We're famous." She then skipped away to lick a coconut.

Pawpaw nodded after her, then remembered that Fancymoustache was in the tree. He whipped around quickly to help the other cat, but suddenly realized that he was already making his way down, since Seeableinvisibility had grabbed a ladder that helped him down.

"This was a productive day," Pawpaw commented as he walked over, running right into Seeableinvisibility, even though he could see her.

"Indeed," Fancymoustache agreed. "I need a PopTart." He staggered away to search for a PopTart, humming "Pawpaw's Way (Mathematics)," the sleeper hit that he'd found at the top of the singles list.


	4. Chapter 2

_**I (TimeSpaceInfinity) do not own Warriors, Erin Hunter has all copyright claims to it. Also, for this chapter, it must be noted that I also do not own Doctor Who or the notion of TARDISes. I don't really own an aeroplane either, but I would like one.**_

Meowcat flexed his muscles as the sun broke over the edges of the mushrooms near his nose. He spread his veggie wings wide, smiling as he flapped them luxuriously, sending bits of broccoli cascading down into the grass.

Taking a step forward, the deranged tom took to the air, his veggie wings pumping furiously as he climbed higher into the atmosphere. "Gotta stop before I pop," he giggled, drifting gently down to the Earth and then plummeting gracefully to the ground, where he landed with a thud.

When he looked up, little birds were flapping around his empty head. "Good flight," he commented to himself.

Pawpaw and Footpaw were staring down at him in bewilderment. Next to them, Fancymoustache was still warbling a cover of "Pawpaw's Way (Mathematics)."

"Dude, that song is a classic," commented Hardhead, as he wandered past.

"Why the strange faces?" Meowcat asked the apprentices; they exchanged a glance.

"I wish we could fly," Footpaw replied. She sighed loudly.

"Well, I have an aeroplane," Pawpaw said cheerfully. He turned around, and a wild Cessna appeared. "See ya later, catz!" He hopped inside the machine, taking in the beauty of the cockpit and the carrot that was sitting lazily next to the joystick. He hopped into the pilot's seat and prepared for takeoff.

Outside, Meowcat watched with interest. Indeed, a small crowd had formed, and Failtail was standing at the head, with Tailfail, his tail, conducting an orchestra of mice.

Pawpaw took off in the aeroplane, laughing maniacally. "I AM THE MASTER OF THE AIR!" he yowled, spinning around in the spinny pilot's chair. Suddenly, the aeroplane flew into the troposphere and caught on fire. Pawpaw leaped for the door and fell out of it, plummeting towards the ground and scrabbling at clouds to see if he could doodle in them.

Meowcat, typically not up for challenges, suddenly took to the sky, his eyes wide with stupidity. He flew beneath the stricken apprentice, and Pawpaw fell onto his back, marveling at the veggie wings and plucking a cauliflower off of one.

Meowcat swooped gracefully down towards the camp in an ever-decreasing spiral before landing gently, like an elephant. He then pulled out some magic dust and sprinkled it over the odd-looking apprentice's back. "Imagine whatever kind of wings you want," he intoned in a suddenly deep voice.

Pawpaw nodded furiously, then racked his brains before an image rose unbidden in his head: the sleek wings of the aeroplane.

Meowcat and the others watched in awe as smoke enveloped the apprentice. When it cleared, he had a pair of mechanical wings attached to him: the aeroplane wings.

"Well," Meowcat said.

"Er," Footpaw began.

"Um," Failtail started.

"You look like an idiot," Tailfail commented. He then walked away, dragging Failtail with him, and the mouse orchestra ground to a halt. Awkwardly, the small crowd dispersed.

Pawpaw turned around and admired the set of wings. "Nice," he said appreciatively. He flexed his claws before looking at Footpaw, who looked slightly crestfallen. "Er, Meowcat… can Footpaw and Fancymoustache have some wing powder too?"

"Indeed," Meowcat replied. He sprinkled dust over each of their backs, and the cats closed their eyes; well, Footpaw did. Fancymoustache's eyes were crossed at the time.

Eventually, the smoke cleared. Footpaw's back had sprouted magnificent highlighter yellow wings, which had "Property of Footpaw" written all over them in crayon. Fancymoustache's wings consisted of the sleek black and white keys of a grand piano, and when he flapped them, a melodious tune sprang forth.

"Sweet," Pawpaw said.

"To the skies!" shrieked Fancymoustache. "I am the bringer of storms, of death and destruction –" as he took off, his wings began to play a slow and peaceful rendition of "Ode to Joy," drowning him out.

"He's right," Footpaw mewed. She flapped her own wings, and they carried her about two feet into the sky before she glanced down at Pawpaw. "Coming?"

"I've got aeroplane wings," the apprentice replied, frowning thoughtfully. "I need a run-up."

He positioned himself; then, he raced as fast as he could along a stretch of forest and dodged several trees until his paws were running in midair. Yowling in delighted terror, he lifted his legs up because he knew that he was at the right cruising altitude. "A small mouse snack will be served shortly," he meowed smoothly and calmly. "The fasten seat-belt sign is always off, because I'm a cat and I don't have seat-belts."

Footpaw floated by him, her wings stinging his eyes with their vibrant colors; Fancymoustache swooped beside him, his wings playing "Hot Cross Buns" rather haltingly as he learned to fly with them; Starhope glided by, scoffing at their ridiculousness and commenting that she didn't need wings to fly, since StarClan had chosen her long ago. Suddenly, a carrot, thrown by Meowcat, hit the beautiful she-cat on the head and Starhope plunged to the ground in DumbClan's camp.

Pawpaw's wings were the fastest, though; he outstripped all of them and then pulled into a well-executed barrel roll before doing several ill-advised flips.

Finally, Pawpaw decided it was time to land, and aimed at the DumbClan runway. "The fasten seatbelt sign would be on right now if I had seatbelts or were a proper aeroplane. I'm not. You would be required to put up your traytables and seatbacks if I had any. I don't. If you had any electronic devices, I would tell you to put them away. You haven't." Pawpaw began the descent to the runway. "Flaps! Landing gear!"He stuck his paws down, unsheathing his claws.

Pawpaw landed gracelessly, tumbling down the runway head over aeroplane wings. He skidded into Psychokit and fell over, then wandered away in a zigzagging way, mumbling, "And that's how it's done... In DumbClan." He collapsed to the ground, birds flying around his head.

Not two seconds later, Footpaw crashed beside him and nommed up one of the birds. Then, Fancymoustache crashed into the ground as well, his piano key wings making a dreadful plunking sound like hitting all the keys at once. None of them were damaged, thankfully. Well, one of his ears had fallen off, but Fancymoustache yowled until Toastface ran over and quickly fixed it with some glitter glue.

"We can take to the air," Pawpaw mumbled in a wobbly voice, still watching the birds around his head.

"You gotta learn to land, bruh," Meowcat commented, touching down lightly beside them. He twisted around and nommed up a turnip from his wings. "Don't worry. It's all in practice."

Suddenly, an orange Tarbosaurus let out an ear-splitting roar; all of the cats pressed their paws to their heads, with the exception of Psychokit, who had begun frothing at the mouth and shaking. The Tarbosaurus glanced at Meowcat and narrowed his eyes.

"Ah, dear," Meowcat sighed. "That's the mate. Guess he thought I'd be home by now." He stumbled off towards the angry dinosaur. "Sorry! I'm back!"

The Tarbosaurus seemed pleased, and the two of them wandered off together cheerfully.

Stupidstar nodded wisely, surveying his Clan with a steely eye. All this thinking caused his brain cells to destroy each other and he ended up running around like a headless chicken.

Footpaw watched the squishy cat and laughed merrily before poking Pawpaw. "Up!" she commanded, and instantly Pawpaw scrambled to his feet.

"To the TARDIS!" he shrieked, taking the aeroplane wings off his back holding them in his teeth.

The two apprentices raced into the trees before coming to a stop before the blue police box and slipping inside. Pawpaw placed his wings reverently beneath the console, in a special cupboard, and Footpaw folded hers and draped them over the banister.

Suddenly, Potatoshine appeared in the doorway to the TARDIS; the Time Lord apprentices froze with shock at his finding their secret TARDIS. The warrior's eyes grew huge as he took in the console room.

He swallowed heavily. "It's… it's…." He paused, not knowing what to say. Finally, he blurted, "A pickle! Right there! On the console!" He ran over and nommed it up before wandering back to camp. "Bye, Pawpaw. Bye, Footpaw."

"Bye," Footpaw mewed nonchalantly.

"That was close," Pawpaw breathed. "Tooooo close."

"Eh, it could've been worse. It could've been – " Footpaw looked up in time to see Explosionboom materialize before them, surveying his claws casually. "Eek!"

"Oh no no," Pawpaw exclaimed. "Not you. Get out of the TARDIS or… I'll make you!"

"Nobody can make me do anything," Explosionboom mused sadly. "Except explode." At this word, he brightened, and Pawpaw could practically see nitrokinetic energy fizzing beneath the dangerous tom's pelt.

"You need to leave," Footpaw hissed.

"Yeah, what she said," Pawpaw said.

Explosionboom began to walk towards the door of the TARDIS; the apprentices watched him. Each time his paws came down on the glass floor around the console, their fur spiked and they drew in a breath. The slightest wrong move could set off the literally unstable warrior.

Eventually, he reached the door; Footpaw scampered down to open it for him, in case touching it made the cat explode. Then it happened. Explosionboom's head whipped around and he locked eyes with Pawpaw; his own danced with energy.

"No!" Pawpaw yowled. "FOOTPAW, RUN!"

The she-cat tried to get away from Explosionboom, but Pawpaw knew it would be no good; if the warrior exploded in the TARDIS, he could take the whole ship out with him. Launching himself forward, Pawpaw's forepaws collided with Explosionboom, forcing him out of the TARDIS just as energy blossomed from within the warrior; the two cats tumbled out of the TARDIS and into the forest outside.

Explosionboom exploded with tremendous force; Pawpaw was thrown backward, and hit a giant acorn leaning nearby before falling to the ground.

Explosionboom respawned in the DumbClan camp, looking around at the beautiful trees and weather. He sighed, blissfully aware of the wide distance between him and the rest of the cats, especially Unicornhappiness, who was trembling with fear at the sight of him. "Hello!" he greeted the she-cat, who yelped.

Meanwhile, Footpaw screeched and flung open the TARDIS doors, racing outside. She ran over to Pawpaw, nudging desperately at his fur. "Pawpaw! Pawpaw! Get up!"

The odd-looking apprentice didn't move. Footpaw was devastated; she looked up as Powerpaw and Herbherb came running over.

Herbherb prodded Pawpaw gently before facing the reader of the story. "I told you," she hissed gently, her eyes staring into your soul.

Normalcat appeared, said a word, then Herbherb went back to normal. "He's dead," she told Footpaw.

Footpaw freaked out and ran around in circles shrieking; meanwhile, Powerpaw dipped his head. He understood that cats had to die sometimes. After all, they couldn't all be chosen to save the Clans like he was, and not all cats could have his invincibility in battle. He sighed deeply, wishing with all his heart that he could extend his powers to his Clanmates.

Suddenly, Pawpaw sprang to his feet.

"Nah, we're good," he assured them before skipping off to join Footpaw in racing around in circles.

Powerpaw and Herbherb just stared.

"How even – " Powerpaw started.

"You know what?" the medicine cat commented; the gary-stu apprentice met her eyes. "I'm not even surprised." Shrugging, she wandered off, leaving Powerpaw to gape at the frolicking weirdos.


	5. Chapter The Third

Pawpaw pranced into the TARDIS, grabbing his aeroplane wings out of the cupboard. When he put them on, however, air traffic control immediately informed him that he was behind schedule. Panicking, Pawpaw quickly removed the wings again, deciding that he would find a way to disable air traffic control and that, until then, he would avoid his problems by not wearing them.

Flicking one of the switches on the console, Pawpaw looked up just as Footpaw walked in. "Just in time," he mewed, jerking one of the levers. The TARDIS made its wheezing noise as they travelled through time.

Footpaw glanced around casually. "Where are we going?"

"Eh, I dunno," Pawpaw replied, sitting on the steps with a happy sigh.

"Oh. Good."

When the TARDIS stopped, the two cats stepped out of it to find that they were in exactly the same forest as before, in precisely the same spot. There was only one difference.

"Look," Pawpaw pointed out. "A dinosaur."

"Neat, it's just like Meowcat's Orange Tarbosaurus," Footpaw replied calmly. "Only a different species."

"Ooh, it's roaring at us," Pawpaw noted. "What d'you think that means?"

"Dunno," Footpaw answered. "It has very sharp teeth, though."

"It could probably swallow us in one gulp," Pawpaw commented, "so it wouldn't need the teeth."

"Agreed."

"Let's run away."

"Agreed again."

The two apprentices scuttled back into the TARDIS, and the time machine vanished because of the Hostile Action Displacement System activating at being attacked by a very unfriendly-looking Allosaurus. Once it had stopped, the apprentices walked outside again to find themselves in exactly the same place as before, but Powerpaw was still standing there, gaping like an idiot.

"Get over it, Powerbrain," Pawpaw meowed smugly. "I'm invincible." Walking away, the odd apprentice ran into a tree. "Ouch. I'm _mostly _invincible."

Footpaw put on her wings and flew back to the camp ahead of the other apprentices, whereas Pawpaw's attempts to run back to camp were interrupted by him slipping on an ironing board.

"What the hay?" the apprentice muttered, picking the thing up and wondering what it was. Suddenly, inspiration struck. He raced back to the camp, carrying the ironing board and defying the laws of physics; dropping it at Fancymoustache's paws, he declared, "Look! It's a STAGE!"

All of the cats nearby gasped in amazement at Pawpaw's astounding discovery; Verylargesize, a very large she-cat who was about the size of an average squirrel, raced up and began tap dancing on the stage. The other cats watched in appreciation, but suddenly, Fancymoustache attempted to scramble up one side of the ironing board and join her, and the whole thing tipped over.

"Verylargesize, are you okay?" called out Stupidstar, who was resting beneath a palm tree next to his personal swimming pool.

Verylargesize staggered out from beneath the upside-down ironing board, and replied, "Yeah, I'm okay I think." She shook each of her limbs, then her tail, and then began to dance without even having a stage to stand on. The rest of the Clan stomped to the nonexistent beat.

Fancymoustache stared down at the ironing board between his paws, scowling. "Who even brought this donut here?" he brayed like a zebra. "Was it you?" He jabbed a paw at Pawpaw, who looked innocently up at him.

"Who, me?" he inquired, gesturing to himself with one paw.

Fancymoustache hissed with rage, then threw the ironing board at a tree. "Stupid telephone," he snarled. "It doesn't even make phone calls!"

"What a shame," Pawpaw commented.

Fancymoustache sighed, straightened, and shook out his fur. Suddenly, Normalcat walked by, cutting his way through the group. The tom's neon fur and insane eyes restored calm and civility to the dancing mob of cats, and they all suddenly felt ashamed of their antics as Normalcat shape-shifted into a giraffe.

Suddenly, Hardhead leaped up onto the Highrock and let out a yowl to catch the Clan's attention. "Let all cats old enough to catch their own prey join beneath the Highrock for a Clan meeting," he meowed; the Clan turned towards him and gathered expectantly beneath the rock. Stupidstar stayed by the entrance to his den, looking up at his deputy with approving eyes.

"I'm going to send out today's patrols," Hardhead announced. "We've neglected these duties for too long this morning." He nodded at Itfur. "Itfur, I'd like you to take a patrol out to the border by the stream. Take I'macat, Jayfeathertail, and Butterspaw with you. Meanwhile, I'll lead a hunting patrol consisting of Horsedog, Piepaw, and Meowcat."

In the crowd, the warriors nodded seriously, while Piepaw and Butterspaw exchanged excited glances, kneading the ground with their paws, anxious to get going.

"I'll also send out Donutbagel and Starhope to take the apprentices training," Hardhead continued. "Take Pawpaw, Followthecodepaw, Footpaw, Iwillkilleverypaw and Powerpaw."

Stupidstar then spoke up from beside the den. "The rest of you, I'll need your help mending the dens in camp. Last leaf-bare left us weaker with that roof collapse."

"I know where we can find some ferns to patch it up," Cakenom volunteered, his tail twitching in anticipation.

"Good," Stupidstar returned. "You and Notactuallyleaderstar should go out and grab some. The rest of us can start making plans."

"Fine," Hardhead meowed. "Go on, all of you. Clan dismissed." He waved his tail, and the cats dispersed, moving into their groups.

Starhope walked up to the apprentices who were training and had clustered together. "Powerpaw," she mewed, addressing only the powerful tom, who stretched up importantly. "Today I think we should train… separately."

"Hardhead said we should train together," Donutbagel said neutrally.

Starhope's eyes flashed. "Yes, but Powerpaw can't train with the group today," she replied. "He was to work on his… special abilities."

"Ah, yes," Donutbagel said, looking down at Powerpaw. "Well, carry on then."

Followthecodepaw was bristling with anxiety; Pawpaw nudged her. "What's wrong?" he hissed.

"This is so wrong," she muttered, shrinking low to the ground. "I can feel it."

Footpaw tipped her head to one side. "What are you talking about?" she meowed.

The other apprentice just shook her head. "They're all… not following the code," she growled.

Pawpaw shifted uneasily; what did she mean?

Suddenly, several things happened, like a series of rocks smashing into one another. Normalcat spazzed out and took on the appearance of one of his Clanmates, Jayfeathertail. Jayfeathertail was standing nearest to Explosionboom at the time, and due to his powers he had assumed the appearance of the other cat's thoughts, which were nothing. Thus, Normalcat became invisible. The other cats reacted in true DumbClan fashion and returned to their normal selves.

"Imma go find some tuna!" Hardhead spat, twisting in midair.

"Oh yeah?" Stupidstar replied. "Well, take this!" He threw a bagel at his deputy, and Donutbagel gasped, racing off to catch it before it could hit the other cat.

"I need a new pair of shoes," Iwillkilleverypaw mused, looking at her claws.

"I thought I saw a pineapple earlier," Potatoshine mumbled to himself, chewing on some celery that had come off of Meowcat's veggie wings.

Powerpaw's face morphed into one of pure horror. "Starhope!" he yowled. "I… need that training session. I think the hour is almost here… they're almost ready!"

Starhope growled and flexed her claws. "We must be ready for the Dark Forest to invade," she replied, flicking her ears.

"Have some sushi," Footpaw suggested, offering the mary-sue a piece of tekka maki.

Starhope hissed. "That is _so_ not kawaii," she meowed, before turning back to the forest with Powerpaw following her.

"Well, that was eventful," Pawpaw said to Footpaw, who nodded in agreement. Fancymoustache came up behind them, and the three cats began to play a card game.

Potatoshine walked over to Meowcat, who was sticking a piece of cucumber back in his wings. "If I had wings, they'd have little Christmas lights on them, be made of navy-blue coloured tin, and light up in the dark in five different colours. Then I would fly around the world delivering mice to all the good kits in leafbare." Then he glanced at Meowcat. "What's Christmas, anyway?"

Eventually, Pawpaw grew bored of the card game. Footpaw kept winning and then jumping up and down on Fancymoustache's head, making his top hat fall off and revealing a bald patch. Pawpaw played the game for a few more seconds before getting bored and hitching a ride on a flying pine tree. "Hello," he told the tree quite happily as they soared above the clouds and then plummeted down to the earth. He flew into a hole and found some butter lying on the floor, which he slipped on. The TARDIS, thankfully, was waiting for him next to the butter.

Pawpaw pulled out his aeroplane wings and his agenda. "Next flight leaves in... five minutes," he mewed to himself, then looked around at all the other cats. "HEY EVERYONE! FLIGHT X12-24Z-287YHW, SERVICE TO MARS, IS NOW BOARDING!"

Footpaw's head whipped around; she dropped the cards and all of her winnings, racing over and handing Pawpaw a leaf. "I wanna go to Mars!"

Potatoshine looked up at Pawpaw, then freaked out because he loved Mars bars. "Can I go to Mars!?" he yowled, pulling out a train ticket.

Pawpaw stared at the leaf before tossing it back at Facepaw. "I'm sorry, we don't accept rocks as currency," he informed the other cat, then whispered, "we do accept leaves, though." Then he looked at Potatoshine. "Hop on board," he mewled, pulling out a stapler to hole punch the ticket.

Potatoshine jumped for joy. "MARS BARS!"

Footpaw ate the leaf, then picked up a rock and handed it to Pawpaw. "Leaf?" she whispered.

"Yes," Pawpaw stated. He took the rock.

Potatoshine jumped on Pawpaw. "GO TO MARS!"

Footpaw grabbed her own wings out of the TARDIS, and Fancymoustache promptly jumped on her back, taking his cue. Notactuallyleaderstar followed suit.

"Allons-y, mes amis," Pawpaw meowed. The apprentice flew away to Mars, breaking the atmosphere easily. "YAY!" he yelled, terrified.

Once they were en route to Mars, in space, Notactuallyleaderstar let go of Footpaw, who was struggling under the weight of the two fatties. She drifted through space, her momentum carrying her along with the rest of the group.

The rest of them landed on the red planet; Pawpaw crashed into the surface, limbs flailing, then looked up and watched the space-floating cat. "That is a real talent!" He shot 25 seconds of video with his iPhone, deciding that this would be a major breakthrough for NASA: cats on Mars, cats floating in space, and the fact that there really were Mars bars, which Potatoshine had found.

Potatoshine jumped into a crater full of Mars bars, full of glee. Suddenly, Notactuallyleaderstar fell from space in a fiery comet, landing on top of him. Both of them died and then instantly came back to life.

"Sweet," Fancymoustache commented.

Pawpaw opened up his laptop and began filming himself with the webcam. "Hello," he stated. "We're on Mars. All credit goes to Pawpaw. Under and out." He sent the video to NASA.

Potatoshine chucked a few Mars bars at Footpaw, then one bonked him on the head and he fainted. "MEW," he said.

_Meanwhile at NASA: _

Several scientists watched the video over and over again.  
"Meow, meow mew meeow. Mew meow reao neowww. Meow meow mew."  
"What does it mean?" asked one. "Aliens? On Mars?"  
"Cats," said another, then adding, "close enough."

_Back on Mars:_

Pawpaw lifted a flag. On the strip of sleek fabric, a scene was painted, depicting an aeroplane-winged cat flying through the void of space, his eyes on the red planet. Behind him followed another cat with different wings, and two cats clinging to her back. A final cat was holding onto the first one's tail. "We shall declare this…" he paused, then meowed victoriously, "Catvalania!"

The other cats echoed his cheer. "Catvalania! Catvalania!" For a moment, their voices rose in harmony as Pawpaw jammed the flag's mast into the dusty surface of the red planet. The moment was brief, however, and soon their voices were lost in the lonely, pale sky of Mars.


End file.
